Waking Up Together

At the Airport

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 06:22:26 -0700

Rolf writes:

Last night, Karina and I managed to get enough packing and preparing done, so that we could attend our last contact improv dance in Goa. It was certainly a beautiful way to spend our last evening together, connecting physically, wordlessly, with each other, and with a group of dear friends. At the end of the dance, we were all one big cuddle puddle on the floor, breathing together. It seemed like nobody wanted the connection to end!

This morning, we woke up to find the weather was different from other recent mornings. It was clear and bright, and there was a unusual and refreshing coolness in the air. Karina and I went for a final swim, returning all the shells we had collected from the beach over the past months, by sinking them in a coconut shell, back into the Arabian sea, where they came from.

We didn’t know it when we booked our tickets to leave, but today is the first day of the Hindu new year. An auspicious day, to begin new lives, as individuals. After we finished packing up the house, our landlord, Mahesh, gave us a ride to the airport, in his taxi. Karina and I held hands all the way, during the 90 minute drive

Karina left me alone, just 20 minutes ago, as she waved and walked through security to her earlier flight. I can feel that my eyes are still swollen and red from crying, as I write this. I am sitting in a row of leather airport chairs, with people bustling past, and flights being announced on the PA system.

Karina and I asked one last question of each other, just before separating: “What do you most hope for me, in this next phase of my life?”

My answer to her, “That you feel free.”

Her answer to me, “That you feel loved.”

Goodbyes to the Locals

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 06:18:47 -0700

Rolf writes:

Yesterday, Karina and I said our goodbyes to our friends at the O’Saiba Beach Resort and Restaurant, whose hand-built, wooden footbridge we have been crossing, at least twice a day, for the past five months, to access the beach; and whose lounge chairs we have meditated on countless times. We presented the owner, Sunny, with a large framed collection of photos that we have been taking, of all the employees, either on our way to, or from, the beach. We also had prints made for each worker, as well as for many other locals in Mandrem, the Goan village in which we have been living.

We have so appreciated all the greetings and short conversations we have shared with these warm and loving people, each time we saw them. In all those months, we only actually ate at the restaurant twice, as the food was disappointing, but seeing them every day on the way to the beach, we all became friends, anyway. My own closest friend at the beach resort, P.K. from Kashmir, who, as the season comes to an end, is also on his way home today, made a point of waiting for us to pass by, and then gave me a big long hug, saying, “I love you.” The tears in his eyes were irresistible, and I ended up crying, too.

Letting Go

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 01:30:51 -0700

Rolf and Karina write:

Dear Friends,

Karina and I are preparing to leave our winter home in Goa, but this time round, after four years of togetherness, we shall be moving in separate directions. In the past few months, the two of us have been through some emotional and spiritual cleansing, which was intensified by the process of co-writing a book on conscious relationships, and by experiences following the miscarriage of our baby, in December.

From the beginning, Rolf and I have been clear that our relationship need not last a specific amount of time, to be considered successful. Now, although we did not see it coming, we feel that our beautiful adventure together may be complete. We have some thoughts about why this is happening now; what our "reasons" are for separating. But the reality is that the impulse arose and, rather than dissolving in the discussions that followed, the idea has gained traction in both our beings, despite deep-rooted feelings of attachment towards each other, and to feeling sheltered within the relationship. Since Karina and I met, we have been supporting each other in trusting our impulses and desires. During our nomadic life together, we have often left beautiful living situations behind, on a whim, with neither of us knowing what would come next. By doing so, repeatedly, we have learned that there is an abundance of beautiful living situations, which can only be revealed when we let go of what we already know, and move on. This partnership is yet another, extraordinarily beautiful, living situation; combining loving attention, deep intimacy, and the freedom to grow and blossom. When the impulse comes to end our relationship, are we willing to follow it? Must we over-analyze all the pros and cons, or are we able to trust that the Universe is guiding us towards something equally, or perhaps even more, inspiring? Although Rolf and I still love each other, we both feel it is time to willingly set each other free, knowing that the next phase in our lives, as fully independent beings, may be just as full of creativity and loving connections. The two of us have been blogging, more frequently and openly than ever, about our recent experiences, so more detail is available on our website, for those who are interested.

We are aware of the apparent irony of splitting up, just as we were making such progress on the writing of our book, about how we co-create, surrender to, and nurture, the extraordinary love we have been experiencing with each other. Karina and I may, or may not, finish the book. We both still feel inspired by the intention of the work, and by the content which has already been created. Now, we are envisioning another chapter: one about letting go. We will keep you posted, and are hopeful that we will find our way to completing the project.

It has been exactly four years, since Karina and I first met, at Esalen, in California. The synchronicity feels somehow reassuring, when occasional moments of doubt arise in our minds. There is so much that we are grateful for. The love we have shared has helped us both to heal old wounds and become better people. We are certainly more awake than before, and our love seems to have inspired others, along the way. In the past, Rolf and I have often imagined creating a Letting Go ceremony, witnessed by our community, at the end of our relationship. Something like a wedding, but with the intention of setting each other free, and expressing gratitude for what we have already learned and experienced together, with a beautiful slide show of our photography, and plenty of dancing, tears and laughter. After some time apart, we may follow through on this idea, perhaps in a few months. We shall see.

This Tuesday, we will be taking a taxi to the airport together, but from there, Karina will be flying to Dharmasala in the Himalayan foothills for a couple of weeks, and then to Berkeley, California, to dance, play, and live life as an independent woman. For work, she will be focusing on her photography services, so please contact her if you are interested in creating some beautiful photos together. Rolf's airplane will take him to Thailand for a week, and then on to Bali, Indonesia, where he is looking forward to reconnecting and dancing with the community in Ubud, for a while. He intends to further develop, and offer, Transformational Photography, and an exciting new breathing technique for meditation. After training and practicing together in Goa, Rolf and Karina will both also be offering Ayurvedic Yoga Massage, on opposite sides of the world.

Thank you for taking the time to read this lengthy message. We look forward to connecting with you again soon, either in text, or in person.

We love you.

Rolf + Karina

Thank You, Rolf

Sun, 14 Mar 2010 03:21:23 -0700

Karina writes:

This was written as a present for Rolf’s birthday, two weeks ago, but it feels even more fitting to post it here, now that our relationship is coming to a close.

Thank you.
Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for connecting with me at Esalen.
Thank you for introducing me to the dance.
Thank you for being affectionate.
Thank you for speaking about me to others in such a positive way.
Thank you for encouraging me to find my voice.
Thank you for being so enthusiastic about our relationship.
Thank you for taking thousands of beautiful photographs of me.
Thank you for your loving attention.
Thank you for introducing me to meditation.
Thank you for combining your money with mine.
Thank you for getting me pregnant.
Thank you for loving Grandma Bea.
Thank you for teaching me about photography.
Thank you for all the massages you have given me.
Thank you for complimenting me on my body, so often.
Thank you for wanting to include me in everything you do.
Thank you for creating ‘Cameras at Breakfast’ with me.
Thank you for sharing all your secrets with me.
Thank you for fixing things around all our houses.
Thank you for cooking me hundreds of meals.
Thank you for making breakfast a priority.
Thank you for making delicious and extravagant fruit bowls.
Thank you for loving dessert even more than I do.
Thank you for all of the cuddles.
Thank you for hiking hundreds and hundreds of miles with me.
Thank you for all the medicine ceremonies we experienced together.
Thank you for shaving my yoni.
Thank you for being supportive of my connecting with others.
Thank you for teaching me how to make great pasta dishes.
Thank you for traveling to 16 countries with me.
Thank you for marrying me, just so I could get my Green Card.
Thank you for cutting my hair.
Thank you for driving so often.
Thank you for appreciating the altars that I create.
Thank you for encouraging me to cut my hair short.
Thank you for giving me countless orgasms.
Thank you for sharing the copyrights on the photographs that you took.
Thank you for creating such a big and beautiful music collection.
Thank you for stopping, to ‘feel it’ with me, when I hurt myself.
Thank you for your loving attention.
Thank you for proof-reading and editing my blog entries.
Thank you for introducing me to the electric toothbrush.
Thank you for introducing me to your daughter, Emma.
Thank you for always sharing your thoughts and feelings, so clearly.
Thank you for keeping our living spaces clean and tidy.
Thank you for loving my breasts.
Thank you for connecting with animals so effortlessly.
Thank you for having such a beautiful voice.
Thank you for connecting with me in the spirit world.
Thank you for making yourself vulnerable with me.
Thank you for buying and creating the Womb, our beloved motorhome.
Thank you for taking me to Burning Man.
Thank you for being patient with me.
Thank you for seeing, and helping me to see, my beauty.
Thank you for recognizing your own beauty.
Thank you for creating so many New Moon ceremonies together.
Thank you for having such lovely cheekbones.
Thank you for coming to Saskatoon with me.
Thank you for writing so many blog entries.
Thank you for helping me to wake up in a good mood, in the morning.
Thank you for helping me to wake up.
Thank you for sleeping next to me, over 1000 times.
Thank you for inviting me to your family reunion.
Thank you for insisting on living a magical life.
Thank you for being such a beautiful man.
Thank you for being taller than me.
Thank you for teaching me how to love myself.
Thank you for holding my hand.
Thank you for making love with me.
Thank you for inspiring so many people.
Thank you for teaching me to breathe deeply.
Thank you for dancing with me.
Thank you for wanting to create a baby with me.
Thank you for watching hundreds of sunsets with me.
Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for challenging my ego.
Thank you for farting loudly.
Thank you for laughing at my farts.
Thank you for crying in front of me.
Thank you for sharing your life with me.
Thank you for being you.
Thank you for being my best friend.
Happy Birthday, Rolf.
I love you, whoever you are, and whoever you are becoming.

No Regrets

Sat, 13 Mar 2010 22:39:26 -0800

Rolf writes:

People who are about to die often speak with the greatest clarity about what they regret not doing in life. It is rare that anyone says; “I wish I had worked harder”, or “I wish I had saved more money.” What dying people most often wish that they had done more of is traveling, loving, relaxing, connecting with others, etc.

Karina and I are now perched on the brink of ending our relationship, which feels like a kind of death, and we are glad to be able to look back on our time together, in the knowledge that we have always done everything we wanted to do; we have said everything we had to say to each other; we have traveled the world; we have taken plenty of time to be together; we have connected with Nature, we have been an inspiration to others; we have learned how to love.

Now we are learning how to let go.

What a beautiful relationship this has been.

Thank you, Universe.

There is only Now

Sat, 13 Mar 2010 22:00:09 -0800

Karina writes:

As the moment of separation from Rolf draws closer, I often find myself projecting my thoughts into the future, wondering how things will be, after my life changes again. This habit greatly diminishes my ability to enjoy these last few days of togetherness. When I am present and living in the moment, I feel connected, with myself, and with Rolf, and life is sweet and beautiful.

The twice-daily breathing meditation is helping me to return to presence. Afterwards, I feel refreshed and open to my surroundings.

Preferring Time Alone Together

Sat, 13 Mar 2010 21:25:41 -0800

Rolf writes:

Yesterday, Karina took a break from all the work of disentangling our lives, to attend the last underwater contact improvisation jam of the season. These events have repeatedly delivered deliciously peak experiences, combining other-worldly weightlessness, non-verbal connection, and slinky, slippery sensuality.

But this time round, I found myself feeling disoriented by the movement in all directions, and with eyes closed, often not even knowing who I was interacting with. I became tired very quickly, and found that I just wanted to be alone with Karina, especially in these precious last few days together. On the way there, we had given a friend a three-up ride, on our scooter, so we asked her to find another way home, and left early, to cook dinner at home, and to work on formulating a group email announcement to send out to all our friends.

Karina and I are finding it fascinating to be separating by choice, and yet to feel so connected to each other. The less time we have left to enjoy each other, the more gratitude and appreciation we are feeling for what we share now.

We are still enjoying connecting sexually, even though we sometimes catch ourselves in an old belief pattern, which thinks that because we are splitting up, we should hold back from each other. And yet, neither of us is committed to anyone else, and our relationship has always been sexually open. In these last couple of weeks, we have not been engaging with anyone else, as we are preferring to keep our focus on finishing this relationship as peacefully and creatively as possible. One noticeable and somewhat sad difference, is that we have gone from hoping to create a baby together, to using condoms. At this stage in our relationship, we are not interested in another pregnancy,

But I would like to repeat here, that making love with the clear intention of creating a child, as Karina and I were doing at Harbin Hot Springs, last October, has been one of the most beautiful experiences of my life, so far.

A Message from Robin

Sat, 13 Mar 2010 00:52:43 -0800

Dear Rolf and Karina,

You guys have blessed me SOOOOOO much today with your beautiful blog which I have just read. Your transparency and honesty are spellbinding...I found myself crying as I was there with you. And smiling when you smiled, afraid when you were afraid. I also loved your descriptions of your ayahuasca journeys and your experimentation with other intimate relationships. Wow, I am pretty much speechless. Reading your blog woke me back up today. I was feeling sort of blase about life and it was like your blog was this intense infusion of light....something that was real and reminded me that I don't have to settle for superficial.

I love you both and am grateful for your sharing of the conscious loving manner in which you confront all aspects of yourselves and the process of ending of your relationship.

This is going to be one amazing book. Don't stop now. Please continue your blog about what its like to move on and to begin to create separate lives while remaining loving and caring towards each other and even the yucky stuff that might come up in the process. The world (I) so need this. Your blog may be the first real account of the inside of a relationship.

Huge hug with immense gratitude for you both...
Love,
Robin

www.robinsparks.com

Flights in Opposite Directions

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 22:29:58 -0800

Rolf writes:

As Karina and I work through disentangling our lives, we are both finding ourselves deeply committed to doing it in a harmonious and positive way.

We’ve been working through a list of tasks, including separating our bank accounts, dividing up camera and computer equipment, as well as our other possessions, duplicating our photo and music libraries, redirecting joint mail to separate email addresses, redesigning this website to reflect the changes taking place, co-writing a group email to those who know us as Rolf + Karina, whiles still making time to give each other final massages, to meditate together, and go to dances whenever possible.

Yesterday, we even spent the day working on our final joint US tax returns, which are due soon.

We managed to book our departures to leave the same airport, within a couple of hours of each other. This means neither of us will be left to finish things up at the Goa house alone. We will share a taxi to the airport. Karina’s flight will take her northwards, on her way to Dharmasala for a week or two, before heading to Berkeley, California. My plane is bound for Thailand, where I plan to spend a week, on my way to Bali.

How does one end a conscious relationship?

With appreciation and love.

Healing Hurtful Habits

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 22:55:26 -0800

Karina writes:

As Rolf and I are enter the final days of sharing space together, there has been remarkable harmony and loving energy between us. The two of us have been cooperating beautifully with each other, in creating a peaceful end to our relationship. At the same time, as I let go of the need to defend myself in the relationship, I have seen uncomfortable sides of my character coming to the surface, being recognized, and, hopefully, being dissolved.

One disturbing habit of mine came up again, last night, during a dinner we shared with a new friend. Rolf was describing a new breathing meditation which he has been developing over the past two months. He was speaking clearly and enthusiastically about how it works, and describing the many benefits he has been experiencing. For weeks, now, I have also been practicing this meditation, and feel great enthusiasm and deep gratitude for what it has given me. I have often shared extremely positive feelings about it with Rolf. When there was a pause in the conversation, our friend turned to me, and said, “Wow this technique sounds really wonderful. Karina, how has it been for you? Is it really as amazing as Rolf claims, or is it just amazing for him?” I found myself replying, in a rather monotone voice, “Well, it certainly shows me my lazy side. I usually just give up, after about 10 or 15 minutes.” After a pause, I did add that it is a beautiful experience, that I enjoy it, and it has often been a kind of healing reset, during these past few weeks of intense emotions. The conversation shifted after that, and the meditation wasn’t mentioned again. My dry and initially negative comment sucked all the life out of the subject. I didn’t even notice, at first, but when we got home, Rolf reminded me of the incident, which is a perfect example of a pattern that he has experienced with me hundreds of times.

Why would I choose to begin by answering such a question with a negative answer, especially about something that has clearly been such a beautiful gift in my life? After years of focusing on the positive, why would I say something negative at all?

When I am present and feeling comfortable with someone, I am able to express my enthusiasm and positivity for life, easily and naturally. When I am in a conversation with someone new, as I have been shown, over and over again, I tend to minimize my experience, describing it as much less interesting, or special, than it actually was, and even prefer to focus on the unpleasant side of things. It’s bad enough, if I am only speaking about myself, but as I have been sharing nearly every aspect of my life with Rolf, speaking in this unconscious way, means I am also minimizing, and speaking negatively about, things that are important to Rolf. Ouch.

It feels like I am two different people. In private, I am a positive, enthusiastic woman who is in love with life. In public, I am a bored, and somewhat cynical girl, who would rather be somewhere else. How can such different energies co-exist in the same person?

Last night, after some reflection, I did something that I have never done before. I called our friend from dinner on the phone, and explained what had happened, described this pattern of behavior, and made my enthusiasm about about the meditation clear to him. He confirmed that he had indeed forgotten all about the subject, after what I had said at dinner. We ended the conversation with him asking if we would be willing to show him the meditation technique. After gaining awareness of unconscious and destructive behavior, it was then empowering to actually do something to clean it up. I was able to shift the energy back towards the positive, and to breathe some life back into Rolf’s brand new baby. Rather than going into regret, or hopelessness, I found that I can take affirmative action, and break the cycle.

This pattern has been going on since the beginning of our relationship. Every time Rolf has spoken enthusiastically about our life together, or about a particular experience that we shared, and then someone asked me to comment, I have played the role of minimizing and playing down whatever has been said. This is all the more frustrating and hurtful for Rolf, because they are always experiences which we have previously discussed with each other, agreeing emphatically about how wonderful they were!

It feels a bit late to be shifting this pattern now, but I can now admit that one of my biggest fears has been of losing this relationship, and it is precisely because I am no longer protecting myself, that I am able to come clean, and let go of these destructive patterns. There is much healing to be found in letting go.

Final Medicine Ceremony

Sun, 7 Mar 2010 00:49:53 -0800

Rolf writes:

As Karina and I find our way, from almost constant togetherness and shared experience, towards increasingly independent lives, we decided that we would participate in our last Goa medicine ceremonies separately. Karina already wrote about her experience. Mine was the next day; a private ceremony, to close the season, with a smaller circle of around twelve experienced participants.

I went because I was invited, and to show my gratitude towards the shaman, as well as the plant medicine, for the blessings of my surrendering ceremony, two weeks ago, which had seemed to resolve several years of confusion and anguish in my being.

When my time came, I was handed a double-dose of the powerful brew. I was in a space of openness and surrender, and did not refuse. Before drinking, I asked the medicine for a new name, and an open heart, and then swallowed.

After everyone in the circle had drank, there was a familiar atmosphere of silent anticipation. As soon as the effects came on, I was shocked to find myself swept away on a nightmarish, terrifying journey. There was very little in the way of visions, but the message consuming my mind was emphatic and full of condemnation; I had gotten myself, and everyone else, into terrible trouble. I had pushed the envelope too far, my reckless questioning of the nature of reality, and my arrogant disregard for tradition, have led me to become a god, and now the Universe will now collapse in on itself, and all existence will end. I am responsible for the impending suffering of every being, and I will suffer, eternally, with that understanding. The untruth of my being began with a broken promise, to God.

When I was 16 years old, and living in England I invited a small group of friends over to take magic mushrooms together, while my parents were out of town. We all had a marvelous experience; I remember being transfixed and in awe of an old oak tree in the field behind my house, and listening to a friend playing the piano. That night, I discovered a new, and sacred, understanding of music. As we finally grew tired, one or two people stayed in the living room, to sleep on couches, while the rest of us retired to my bedroom. As it was my own room, and none of us were used to sharing beds with each other, it seemed natural that I would sleep on the bed, while the others laid out their sleeping bags on the floor. A little while later, as the others slept and I lay awake, alone in my large bed, I began to feel terribly guilty. Why was I making myself more comfortable than my friends? My thoughts, still strongly affected by the mushrooms, descended into a spiral of self-hatred. Unable to control my thoughts, I became afraid, and finally, in a state of panic, I prayed, “Please, please, please, God, I promise that if I survive this experience, I will never take any drugs, ever again, in my whole life.” I fell asleep, and awoke, in the morning, feeling deep relief at the normality of my surroundings.

I was grateful, and didn’t touch any drugs for twenty years after that, until, one moonlit evening in nature, a friend in California offered me a toke on his joint. I explained the promise I had been keeping for two decades, and that I had never enjoyed marijuana in the first place. He asked a question which gave me a fresh perspective on the subject; “Why is alcohol, which is also a powerfully mind-altering substance, any different from drugs -- just because it is legal and freely available?” The conversation then moved on, to our respective relationships with religion, and the idea of God, which, for me, had obviously become rather more complex, during the time since I was a teenager. We finally did smoke together, and the marijuana helped me to discover joyous and inspired aspects of myself, which I had not previously known existed.

Over the next few years, my attitudes towards such subjects as psychology, spirituality and mind-altering substances, were to change quite dramatically. Smoking marijuana gave me the precious gift of a new perspective on my own thoughts and feelings, and my first ayahuasca ceremony, and reading a book, “Breaking Open the Head” by Daniel Pinchbeck, which I recommend to those interested in this subject, introduced me to the possibilities of mind-altering substances being used intentionally, as sacred medicine, for personal and spiritual development. It was a path I felt instinctively drawn towards, and one which has allowed me to discover worlds I had never even dreamed of, and to independently explore consciousness and the nature of reality. My deep appreciation and respect for these sacred medicines has long been complicated by the deep-rooted memory of my teenage promise not to take any “drugs”.

The other night, during the journey, I was given a guided tour of all the times I have admonished someone for their lack of integrity, every request that I have ignored, every bitter remark, every untruth, every time I made someone feel bad about not living up to an expectation of mine, all the latent resentment I have been expressing towards my family for not loving me more, all the times I have set people up to fail by asking them first if I can rely on them, the ways I try to control people and convince them of my own point of view. I was completely absorbed in my own private hell. The shaman came by, once or twice, to snap me out of it by rubbing scented oil under my nose, singing and shaking his rattle. But it was not until hours later, as the Universe in my mind was crumbling to pieces, that I finally looked up and saw the waning moon, suspended magically, in perfectly still space, and the distant stars beyond. Everything seemed to be in peaceful order. This was the first moment I when thought, “Maybe all this stuff I have been experiencing is not necessarily true.” I had been so wrapped up in the stories, I never even thought to question them. I wondered, “How can I be with myself, after such a damning experience?” The answer came as one word, the meaning of which, I finally understood for the first time, “Forgiveness.”

I spent most of the rest of the night trying to make sense of it all. The medicine was wearing off, but I was still feeling the emotional repercussions of a comprehensive personal condemnation. I wondered just how much of my experience to trust or ignore? The journey was as harsh as any I have had in the spirit world, including the one in Tahoe, nearly two years ago, and the mushroom trip in England that had frightened 16 year-old Rolf into a promise he would not be able to keep. I was most shocked that such negativity should follow so closely on the heels of my complete surrender, just two weeks ago. I had thought those spirit world stories were resolved. I wondered if my new name might be Forgiveness, perhaps in some other language. I also asked myself if I was making a mistake, by ending the relationship with Karina. I wanted to work my way through all this, and considered asking for another dose of the medicine, which was available, but my mind and body were exhausted, and I couldn’t face the idea of another possible onslaught. I eventually fell asleep on my mat, feeling wretched and alone in the world.

In the light of a hot sunny morning, after the circle was closed and people were leaving, I was in tears, as I spoke to the shaman about my experience, looking for some way to be with it all. All he could offer was a reassurance that the present moment is all that ever counts, rather than the stories of of what happened last night. I rode home on my scooter, feeling raw and vulnerable, and found Karina doing yoga on the beach, as she has been doing every morning, for the past four months in Mandrem. She hugged me, and held me with her love, and I burst into tears.

Although I was full of my story, Karina had one to tell too, about her own long night at the Tantra workshop, which only finished at 3 AM. I must admit, I found her story to be as compelling as my own. As we swam in the waves, I listened to her description of her experience, feeling the peaks and troughs with her, and letting go of any feelings of jealousy, by speaking them as they arose. It was a wonderful opportunity for me to focus my attention on her freedom, rather than on myself. This had been the most important lesson from my surrender, and something in my state shifted towards lightness, right there on the beach,

After telling Karina about my night, over breakfast, she agreed to give me a massage. During our stay in Goa, we have both trained in Ayurvedic Yoga Massage. Before we began, I said, “Karina, I have the feeling that all our four years of relationship have all been leading up to this massage.” And it was indeed a deeply healing experience; the terror of the night before all but dissolved, and I realized that if I can see the voice in my mind for what it is, as cruel and unforgiving, perhaps it would make sense to stop listening to it. The rest of the day was spent together in loving bliss, with plenty of energy, despite the fact that neither of us had slept more than a few hours, the night before. Karina and I talked excitedly about how wonderful our separate lives are going to be for both of us.

At sunset we did our breathing meditation on the beach. Afterwards, I found myself saying “Karina, I’m feeling happy... and I think it’s first time I have ever used that word to describe my state. It feels like we may be waking up together, right now, during these last days of our relationship.” The more willingly we find we are able to set each other free, the more love Karina and I are discovering in ourselves, and in each other.

On the way home, we both played “Sexual Revolution” by Macy Gray, on each of our iPods, and did an elaborate dance, coming together and moving apart, and putting on a fine show for the charmed and enthusiastic locals in our village, who watched it all happening, in the exterior silence left by our headphones.

I was wondering whether or not I would write about this particular experience, but some lyrics in the Macy Gray song helped decide it for me:

“You’ve got to express what is taboo in you,
and share your freak with the rest of us...
‘cause it’s a beautiful thing...”

Tantra Breathing

Fri, 5 Mar 2010 22:53:30 -0800

Karina writes:

Last night, while Rolf was doing his final medicine ceremony, I was in a very different atmosphere, participating in the last night of my first tantra workshop, which lasted until 3 a.m. The course was taught in Russian, with one of the participants translating to English. This was challenging, at first, but then I got to see how little language mattered. When feeling energy is what we are doing, then words are no longer necessary.

There was a tremendous amount of sexual energy in the room. The main content of the course was about tuning into the power of our sexual energy, and connecting it with our hearts, and then circulating it with our breathing. Many of the exercises involved learning how to move in and out of partnership, by feeling the energy, rather than thinking about who we are attracted to, based on looks or style. In various blind-folded exercises I found that I kept finding and engaging with the same people; that our energies simply matched.

One gift that I am taking from this course is the experience of breathing together with a partner. It is so simple, and yet so powerful. It fits perfectly with the breathing meditation that Rolf and I have been doing, and loving, everyday. It is about creating a flow of energy with another person, listening to them and tuning into each other. A circuit of energy is created, moving from one being to another. One partner receives energy from the other, breathing it in through the base chakra, moving it up through the heart, and returning it, with love, through the third eye. When the circuit is flowing without resistance, the experience is blissful. The exercises showed me how effortless it is for me to receive energy, but that I am not always consciously giving it back. It is through receiving, and giving, that the energy builds.

Some exercises were about incorporating this breathing awareness, while connecting with our partners in various sexual positions and movements. It was amazing how much intimacy we were able to share with each other, building the energy all the way to whole-body orgasmic shudders, all while still wearing our clothes. I can now see that all sexual experiences would only be enriched by the added awareness and sensitivity which comes when I consciously connect my breathing with that of my partner(s).

Since doing the course, I find that I have been envisioning this circuit of energy flowing through my daily interactions and conversations. Receiving and giving, being fed and feeding.

I gave Rolf a massage today with a new awareness of this circuit of energy, and the results were extremely healing and nourishing for both of us. What a blessing.

What is my Name?

Fri, 5 Mar 2010 02:27:23 -0800

Rolf writes:

As my birthday fades into the past, and becomes just another memory, I am still finding myself feeling a little strange, each time I meet someone, and they ask my name. Rolf just no longer feels like my name, and I would like to put out a request, to the Universe, and to the readers of this blog.

What is my new name?

Here are some criteria I would like a new name to meet:
- That it is easy to understand for someone hearing it for the first time, or on the phone.
- That it has a meaning that I would like to embody and that is inspiring to others (e.g. oneness, connection, surrender, freedom, love, strength, creativity, etc.)

Please feel free to send me an email if you have any ideas.

Making Contact as a Single Man

Fri, 5 Mar 2010 01:56:52 -0800

Rolf writes:

Last night, while Karina was at her medicine ceremony, I went to the last Contact Jam at Magic Park. I had just stopped at an internet cafe, to upload blog entries and to take the big step of changing my facebook status from “In a Relationship” to “Single”.

The hour-long contact jam is silent, meaning that although music is playing, no one is speaking any words. We are communicating with movement and touch. At last week’s jam, I had my best dance, ever, with a Russian woman I had never met before, and by whom I felt completely met. Last night, I had another best ever, with the same woman, and another beautiful Russian, whom I had often seen and admired, over the past few months, but this was her first contact dance. Our delicious and intimate threesome lasted for most of the jam, and I felt that the Universe was welcoming me back, reassuring me that my life would be just as rich and full of love, as a single man. I also had a beautiful and tender dance with a man that I had first met on the dance floor, last week.

On the way home, one of my dance partners asked me to help carry her sleeping daughter from the baby-sitter’s to her own house. I found myself holding a sleepy three-year-old girl, close to my heart, as we walked, with her trusting, soft face snuggled against my neck. As I walked home alone, afterwards, I reflected on the sadness I had experienced, so recently, at the miscarriage of mine and Karina’s baby, which has been another renewed source of pain, as the two of us now prepare to separate. I felt immensely grateful to the Universe, for this unexpected gift of such tender child-love.

Life is beautiful. I trust.

Making Contact as a Single Woman

Fri, 5 Mar 2010 01:10:02 -0800

Karina writes:

Last night, while Rolf was at the Contact Jam, feeling welcome in his new found singledom, I was in the midst of an intense, and healing medicine ceremony.

Synchronistically, my place in the circle was between two powerfully masculine men. Each person is given a mattress to mark their area, and the ceremony is spent either sitting or lying down.

During the first portion of the journey, I was shown very clearly the ways in which I avoid any kind of discomfort, which in turn, creates even more discomfort, until I can no longer look away. Eventually, seeing this pattern, I was able to let go and let the uncomfortable sensations or emotions be, and pass through me, until they were gone.
The medicine was also helping me to feel the negative energy in my being which I have been ‘sweeping under the carpet’.

At one point in the evening, I heard the man to my right gently telling me to open myself. At first, I wasn’t aware that he was speaking to me, as this is a generally wordless environment. After saying ‘open’ a few more times, he said it quite forcefully, and grabbed my hand, which was resting, in a protective way, on my chest. I felt I was giving myself healing energy, but it became clear that I was actually holding my heart closed. He kept my hand in his, and we began a magical, sensual, and extremely creative dance, which involved only our hands and arms. Our hands were still touching, when I awoke, in the morning.

While this interaction was taking place, I became involved in another sensual experience with the man on my left! This one was more of a full-body experience. From time to time, questions arose for me about whether this kind of thing was appropriate, during a sacred ceremony, as my past experiences had never involved physical contact with other participants. I remained in a state of presence, watching as the energy shifted continuously, following the natural peaks and pauses.

I hadn’t established any verbal connection with either of these men, except for exchanging names prior to the ceremony beginning. The experience felt like it was more about feeling the energy present, than about creating a relationship with a particular personality.

I feel blessed to have received such nourishing and empowering blessings from the Universe, especially after having such strong feelings of impending aloneness, over the past week.

Two women for Rolf, two men for Karina. On the same night.
I think we are going to be OK.

A Positive Shift in Energy

Fri, 5 Mar 2010 00:33:59 -0800

Rolf writes:

Yesterday evening, I drove Karina, on the scooter, to her medicine ceremony, returning home just in time for sunset, on the beach, and my beloved breathing meditation. I was still feeling tired and resentful from a hard day and not enough sleep the night before. Over the past weeks, I have often come to this newly developing form of meditation with many difficult emotions, and in varying psychological states. Sometimes, I was convinced that I would not be able to focus. But each time, the combination of meditation and deep breathing, have brought me to a state of clear presence, if not sheer ecstasy, and I have returned from the beach experiencing a renewed lightness of being.

I feel blessed that the same occurred yesterday. As I walked back, I found that I had a new perspective on the situation with Karina. After days of bitterness, I finally discovered that I could shift my focus of attention, away from my own pain and disappointment, to the subject of Karina’s freedom, thus finding my way back to the main realization from my surrendering experience, last week.

In this light, it became clear to me that Karina’s actions, or the lack thereof, over the years, are the behavior of someone who is obviously not feeling free, even if she does not know it. From the beginning, we have placed considerable emphasis on personal freedom within our relationship, but Karina has never really been able to take that freedom, no matter how many times it was offered or suggested. Her focus hovered, instead, perhaps too closely around me, trying to guess what I might want, or what I think. Our relationship has been something which she has tried, with much effort, to live up to, rather than ever fully growing into it, and making it something of her own creation. My frustration at her holding back must have created even more pressure -- for her to change, to let go, to develop, to wake up. And, how can pressure, or expectation, ever really feel like freedom?

I am choosing now, to see the end of our relationship as an opportunity to set Karina free. We have had an abundance of time together, and I have said everything I wanted to say to her. Now I am ready to stand back, finally, and let her discover, for herself, who she is, and what she has to offer the world, without me looking over her shoulder.

I also noticed, with this shift in my own energy, that all the practical considerations we are having to deal with -- basically who keeps what, and who is responsible for which tasks -- suddenly became far more simple. If I want her freedom, Karina can just choose whatever she wants to take, and which tasks she feels moved to bring to completion, and I will hold space for that, and make myself available to deal with the rest, myself.

I am feeling more peaceful now, and, at the same time, more empowered, than before.

What’s Going On Today

Thu, 4 Mar 2010 03:11:05 -0800

Karina writes:

I have been reluctant to write anything all day today. My emotions and thoughts are changing at an extremely fast rate. I am finding that I don’t want to do much of anything, and mostly preoccupying myself with household chores.

I have been making a list of all the things that need completing before Rolf and I will separate. The practical tasks take my mind off of the strong emotions of guilt and pain. It’s amazing to see how intertwined our worlds are, (bank accounts, taxes, our website, our cameras, the computer, our shared photo library, the book we were writing together, etc.) and that separating them is just as big of a step, or commitment, as combining them was, in the first place. The difference being that combining them was a gradual process, while separating them seems to be happening all at once.

I am preparing to go to a ceremony this evening, alone. My desire is to gain some clarity about what I have created in this relationship, and to get in touch with my heart to see what I can bring to its completion.

I am so grateful for the many blessings that this relationship, and phase of my life has brought me. I am also present to how I have not found myself within it, I have been still looking to the outside for who I am, and what I want to create in this life. Rolf has been such an amazing guide and companion on this journey, and now it feels clear that this has been his path, and I haven’t been able to keep up. Now it’s time for me to create my own path.

Surrendering to Change

Thu, 4 Mar 2010 02:30:09 -0800

Rolf writes:

Yesterday, at Sunset, in the midst of ending our relationship, Karina and I sat next to each other on the beach for our breathing meditation, as has become a daily practice, during our stay here in Goa.

Breathing offers so many opportunities for letting go. When I opened my eyes, at the end of my meditation, I found that the beach was already dark, the stars were shining, and Karina had already left my side and had returned to our house. I found that I was feeling remarkably positive and optimistic. During our nomadic life together, Karina and I have often found ourselves letting go of beautiful living situations, in order to follow a desire, or some other intuitive sense, even if our rational minds were questioning and wondering if we were giving up something irreplaceable. This conservative part of us always seems to assume that the unknown future must be worse than the blessings we have now. This feeling is especially strong at the end of a relationship. Karina and I are so used to being together, and to enjoying such a beautiful shared loving experience, that to suddenly give it up often seems crazy, or irresponsible.

Last night, on the beach, as I was breathing deeply, I felt the possibility that with all that is going on right now, life might be calling to me, saying “It’s just time to let go, Rolf. There is no problem. There are beautiful new horizons waiting for you. You both always acknowledged an end would come. How long does it need to last? You have been so wonderful for each other. The discomfort you are feeling is just what was needed to point your attention towards a new beginning. Don’t be afraid of the unknown. Just surrender, make the jump, and trust.”

Why do we hang on so tightly? We all tend to grit our teeth, cry out in pain, and blame each other for the “failure” of our relationships.

What if it is just time to let go, and to continue our separate journeys?

After feeling like this, last night, I have already since returned to worrying, distrust, blame, bitterness, confusion, feeling overwhelmed, and many other difficult emotions. It is quite a roller coaster ride, that Karina and I are on. One that many have, and will, experience during their lives. It is a necessary part of life. And we are all doing our best to handle the tumultuous energy, swirling around and through us.

I wanted to record some positive feelings, to show that ending a relationship is many things, and not all of them are bad.

Photos from the End

Wed, 3 Mar 2010 23:58:45 -0800

Rolf writes:

These have been difficult days. Sometimes, Karina and I feel hopeful and mutually supportive, as if we are both embarking on shiny new lives, and at other times, the emotions are unbearable. Sometimes, either one of us can find ourselves clear enough of emotion, to be a witness for the other, offering some perspective, by taking photographs, as we go through whatever it is that we are going through.

Birthday Ego Attack / Heartbreak

Wed, 3 Mar 2010 07:29:15 -0800

Rolf writes:

Since surrendering, at my recent ayahuasca ceremony, I have been feeling less fear, and less attachment to desired outcomes. I have been taking things less personally, and finding other people more fascinating, especially when I remember to focus on their freedom. My love towards Karina has been open and clear. It feels like there is less ego. Triggers are still there, but the “me” has become more of a phantom presence, an old habit, but somehow less solid, and less convincing.

Then my birthday came into near orbit. I might have remembered that these “me-days” can be dangerous ego triggers. Both Karina and I were acknowledging that this felt like a special one, with new beginnings, not least because only a few days before, we had not known if I would even be alive to participate.

The new understanding from the ceremony, about remaining free by placing my focus on other’s freedom, also brought about renewed discussion of a conversation that has been going on for a year or so. I have been feeling like changing my name. I have been waiting patiently, ever since, for the right name to come along. And then, a few days ago, I asked Karina if she would give me a name, for my birthday. She agreed, or I thought she agreed.

On the morning of my birthday, I knew Karina had been planning something on my behalf, and she began to tell me where I needed to be and when. She described some of what was going to happen, but there was no mention of any kind of naming ceremony. I asked her about this, and her reply was uncomfortable, vague and evasive, “I’ve been thinking about it a bit. I haven’t planned anything. I guess I don’t know if it will happen tomorrow, or not.”

How could Karina not honor such an extraordinary request with clear intention, or at least active communication? Does she think I was not serious? Last night, I was inwardly preparing myself to let go of 44 years of identity, and to accept any name she would give me, and Karina hasn’t bothered to do anything about it? She has not mentioned it since I made the request. What kind of love is this?

Feeling chastised, Karina did pull together an impromptu ceremony, on the beach, an hour later, and gave me the name Jonah, which had come in a dream the night before. I tried to go along with it, but both the name, and the situation, just didn’t feel right. I did look up Jonah on an internet name database, and found that apart from being the hebrew word for Dove, it also meant “someone who brings bad luck,” after the fish/whale story in the bible.

Karina and I share a simple definition of integrity, which we see as vital to maintaining a conscious relationship, which is doing what we say we are going to do, by the time we say we are going to do it, or updating the other as soon as we become aware that it will not be done. What upset me the most, about both of these let-downs, was that she didn’t find the courage, or love, to communicate with me about the fact that she wasn’t doing anything about them... until I asked. She said she’d been focusing on another present, which turned out to be a list of things she felt grateful towards me for, and an Indian bag for my herb pipe. My birthday requests got swept under the carpet. 
The emotional pain was excruciating. I tried focusing on Karina’s freedom, but my ego was fully activated, and I could feel part of my love for her closing itself down, wanting to protect itself from being hurt again. On my birthday, surrounded by an awkward group of friends she had gathered, in the hope of pleasing me, I just burst into tears, asking myself if I wanted to continue being in this relationship, or just let go and find out what else life has in store for me?

It feels like Karina and I are involved in a dance between egos that are feeding off each other. My hurt, of course, fits perfectly with Karina’s fear of not being worthy of our beautiful relationship. This seemingly uncontrollable pattern has been repeating itself, periodically, for years, now. Each time it happens, it feels less and less acceptable, or surmountable, especially in a partnership supposedly based on love and awakening. Perhaps it is time for us both to awaken from the unconscious habits that our very relationship seems to be perpetuating?

What has become clear to me, is that while some of the unconscious mind patterns, or habits, that make up my ego may indeed have been let go of, at least on an inner level, there are still aspects of Rolf that are intricately mixed up in another entity, a double ego, called Rolf + Karina. He wants to feel loved and appreciated, and takes it very personally when his attentiveness is not reciprocated. To be free of the old Rolf, perhaps it is time to let go of Rolf + Karina, too?